I tried to keep hoping, but in all honesty, the things he'd said and the way he acted didn't offer much of a foothold for hope. I had felt defensive about running away to Chris and Jaylene's even though I wasn't a minor anymore, had had to explain it to him. I kept remembering him walking out the door without turning back once, as his slight figure walked to the truck and hopped in, not even giving the old truck time to warm up before he drove away. I thought back on all the animals I'd lost, on my mother walking away when I was little, and other things. It seemed that whenever I really loved anything, I lost it, as though there was some kind of a curse on me. I still loved Daniel, and I would give him a chance, but I wasn't going to make the same mistake and put all my eggs in that basket again.

But what could I do? I couldn't go back to Chris and Jaylene's. I'd promised Daniel I wouldn't, and even though he didn't seem to keep the promises he'd made toward me, a promise is a promise, so I would do it. What would I do....that was the question. I planted my garden and did all the stuff I usually did.

I told my mother that if things didn't work out with Daniel, I wanted to farm and have a place of my own. She said that she would give me a portion of our land, since my money had helped to buy it, and also, the money I was raising by doing firewood was helping to pay off whatever was left of the land payment after the logging had been done. It was my inheritance, and I could have a few acres. I should look around and let her know which part I wanted. I walked all of the land, sometimes taking Lily with me, often singing sad country songs....

"And I feel like a stone you have picked up and thrown to the hard rock bottom of your heart"......"how could you do what you've gone and done to me, I wouldn't treat a dog the way you've treated me"......"where have you been, I looked for you forever and a day, where have you been, I'm just not myself when you're away"......."what in the world am I going to do about you, your memory keeps coming back right out of the blue, oh I've tried, and I've tried, but I still can't believe that we're through, tell me what in the world am I gonna do about you"......

Raphah sang too, some of the same sad songs, and others: "Work your fanny to the bone, whaddaya get? Bony fanny, bony fanny......" Sometimes tears ran down his face as he sang mournfully in his thin voice. I could relate. Sometimes we sang together, and the more I sang, the better my voice sounded. Even though the songs were so depressing, there was no way any of them could be worse than what we were feeling, and it helped to feel that some country artist felt pain too, and to sing with him or her.