I still hurt, but with Lily to dote on and work with, life was easier to bear. When we first got the goats, they didn't know how to walk on a lead or by being led on by their collar, which was why Chris had picked them up and carried them. I braided long, sturdy ropes, collars, and head halters out of baling twine for the goats, because we couldn't afford to buy regular ropes. I worked patiently with her every day, and it wasn't long before I didn't even need a lead rope or a collar to head her, although she always wore the collar. I only had to rest my hand gently on her shoulder and she would come with me wherever I wanted to go.

As I came out of my room and back into my daily routine of feeding animals, etc, I began to strengthen inside. I still felt shattered by what had happened, I still cried. I still sang mournful country songs while Lily and I browsed the woods together or as I split, stacked or hauled firewood, but I was functional again. My heart was as hollow as it could be, but I had something to give purpose to my life; the goats.

I say goats, plural, because it wasn't long before Chris and Jaylene had more work for us to do. Raphah and I went over to their little homestead and cleaned several feet of packed goat manure out of the barn and hauled it to the new garden site. Working for Jaylene was both strange and pleasant, because she insisted that we take a breather every time we came back from the garden with the empty garden cart. We weren't used to taking breaks, except for a quick 5 minutes to gulp down a cold biscuit or two...if we were lucky. Jaylene actually fed us, and although I was worried about whether it was safe to eat there, the food was good and she urged us to eat more, to eat until we were full. This was a new experience!

In exchange for this work, we got more goats; Raphah got Belle, a French Alpine milker with a large udder, Sarah got Belle's flashy French Alpien kid, Cinderella, and I got Susannah, who I called Sannah. Sannah was 3/4 Alpine but looked like a Saanen, mostly white with tan hairs scattered throughout her coat. She had an extremely lean, long, feminine build, very graceful and she was always sort of worried and called a lot. Her udder was a lot bigger than Lily's but her teats were smaller and it took longer to milk her. Her buck kid, Willy, went to Rachel. So now I had two good milkers.

I liked the Saanen personality better than the Alpines. Belle, for example, was intelligent and witty, but she sort of had an attitude. When she saw Max, Raphah's orange cat, approach Cinderella, her doeling, she suddenly picked Max up by the hair on his back and threw him through the air! It was funny, but it was also pretty typical of what you could expect an Alpine to do. Lily and Sylvia were very quiet, calm, laid back animals. So when I had the opportunity to go back to Chris and Jaylene's and do more work, I did, and I declined the money they offered (I knew my stepdad would take it anyway) and asked if I could have another goat. I looked them all over carefully, but the one I liked best was a full sister to Lily and Sylvia. Also pure white in color, I called her Snowdrop, after the flower.

Although still bereft of any sort of hope, I smiled now and then as I worked with the goats. They were breathing new life into me, and that life was rapidly centering around my caprine friends. I still wasn't sure what to do without Daniel, but I thought that whatever it was, I wanted there to be goats in my life. One thing was clear: goats were a whole lot more trustworthy and dependable than people.